Saturday, May 12, 2012

Why my husband isn't allowed to talk to strangers and other random Saturday thoughts

My hubby is no longer allowed to talk to strangers. Especially not strangers at Home Depot offering up "free" gift cards for participating in water tests. We lost 2.5 hours of our Friday night to an in-home water test/demo/sales pitch, all for the lure of a $25 Home Depot gift card. The woman was very nice, but seriously? Who thinks it's a good idea to crash someone's Friday night at dinnertime with two hungry kids? We even cooked dinner for the kids around her. And that, friends, is why my husband is no longer allowed to talk to strangers. I think I'm gonna call a Kirby vacuum rep to stop by on a Thursday morning while he's home- ha!

Our Saturday morning is off to a good start- the kids sat for 20 minutes comparing each individual Frosted Flake as they ate- "mine's the hugest.... mine's the mediumest." Cute. Until it somehow turned into a discussion of the dog's butthole. B is now fascinated by that tunnel o'stank.

Now they are playing dogs. I have no idea what D's dog name is, but B is "Buttercup." And he's a yappy SOB. I found myself thinking "Shut the eff up, Buttercup" just a minute ago.

Something occurred to me when I spied the fattest robin ever sitting on our fence- why aren't there mutt birds? Eagles mate with eagles, robins mate with robins, and so on. How are they that smart?

Here's hoping for a swell weekend.... and you bet your @$$ I'm going to go spend that $25 at Home Depot this weekend!


Sunday, May 6, 2012

My thoughts on blogging

I KNOW it's been a couple of months since I last posted. We've been crazy busy with work, kids, softball and just life in general. I'd been meaning to write a post this weekend- just something fun to get back into the groove. Instead, I thought I'd write about something that's been weighing on my mind in the time since I last wrote a post and especially today thanks to a Facebook post that irked the snot out of me. Please excuse the run-on sentences, hope you can follow my rant.


I'm a little hesitant to "put it all out there" by blogging. Yes, I have a bit of paranoia about strangers reading my business (although my only follower is my mom and I'm pretty sure she knows everything). I'm also reluctant because I feel like some of the people I do know IRL (in real life, Mom) might like to think they know about my life because they read my blog or get second- and third-hand information from mutual acquaintances- instead of actually being a friend and saying "Hey, how are you? What's new with you?"


Here's what pissed me off this morning: An old "friend" who since I last saw her, has twice un-friended me on Facebook for no apparent reason (but keeps sending friends requests to my hubby), commented on an old picture of my FIL that my SIL posted on her Facebook. Something to the effect of "Wow, I see "D" in this picture." Well let me tell you something- unless this chick has been stalking our family, she has not seen D in person for at least the last five years. I think my SIL only has a few pictures of D on her own Facebook that this woman could have seen. So tell me, friend, what do you think you know about my kid(s) and who they resemble?


I realize in writing this that it may not seem like such a serious offense, but in looking through other photos, I see one where she commented (on a picture of my in-laws, hubby's nieces, and OUR kids) "I want a copy of this for my wall." Creepy much?  Did I mention that her wedding song when she married her newest husband is the same song my hubby and I danced to for our first dance? She and her ex-husband were both in our wedding, BTW. Every time I think of her, I am reminded of a quote from my favorite housewife on my favorite trashy show, Dina Manzo from Real Housewives of New Jersey talking about psychopath Danielle Staub: The girl is freakin’ obsessed with me. I swear, I don’t know if she wants to like be me, or skin me and wear me like last year’s Versace.”


Having said all of that, I still don't know where I stand on wanting to blog. I am sure this person is not the only one (friend, family or otherwise) who would rather read into the things I post on here (or on Facebook) or the things they hear from others, than to genuinely care about what's going on and to do the things a true friend would do and ASK the questions that friends ask. Guess I'll have to think about it a little more... I have some things in the works that involve other people besides our family, and out of respect for the other party's privacy I sure as hell won't be blogging about it here. What are your thoughts? Am I overreacting? Should I start carrying pepper spray? Go live under a rock? Until then...


Please continue stalking me on Facebook. I really appreciate all this attention :).

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

My 35 by 35 list

I turn 35 this year. Yep, 35. Instead of making new year's resolutions, I made a list of things I hope to accomplish before I turn 35. Some of these things are completely frivolous and not necessarily "accomplishments." Some are more like dares (me wearing shorts?!) I've added notes in- sort of a progress report. What do YOU want to accomplish before your next birthday?


  1. Become a surrogate- a work in progress. We've had one unsuccessful transfer, and will try again in another couple of months (I'll write more on this another time).
  2. Find a new job or hobby that pays. I like working, but don't want to work full time unless it's something that I really, truly enjoy. 
  3. Pay off all of my credit card debt- working on it- if not by 35, definitely by 36.
  4. Get a bike and ride it. I don't have a bike. In fact, don't think I've ever had my own. I want a cute one, like an Electra. With a basket.
  5. Go on a family vacation (including my parents). Christmas in Nashville would be pretty awesome!
  6. Start a blog- for real this time. Well, here 'tis, in all its neglected glory.
  7. Read 35 books. HA! I am changing this to 12 books in 2012 because I don't think picture books count. I want to read the Twilight books and The Hunger Games (I think) to see what all the hype is about. That would take care of 7 of the 10 books I have left to read this year.
  8. Grow my hair out and get highlights. Nope, can't stand growing it out. Highlights, maybe.
  9. Wear heels more. Eh. I am already tall, sometimes I feel freakish wearing heels.
  10. Wear shorts. (It's March. In Colorado. Shorts season is still a couple of months away). Let me get working on those squats and lunges.
  11. Volunteer @ D's school. I went on a field trip with the choir, does that count?
  12. Run a 5K. I've never run in a race, and I'm not quite ready to do a 5K yet. Give me a few more weeks and some warm weather and we'll see...
  13. Put more thought into getting dressed. I have been making more of an effort to do this, but some days it's just easier to throw on the same (black) thing I've worn a million times. What I need to do is hide my black and gray clothes!
  14. Go vegetarian. This has actually gone pretty well! Yes, I still eat meat occasionally. I'm not about to turn down ribs, brats or burgers this summer. But for the most part, we have gone veggie and it's been great!
  15. Walk on a beach. I think we'll actually get to do this in a couple of months!!
  16. Travel to the East Coast. I should be careful what I wish for- otherwise I'll end up going there for work and not for fun.
  17. Book a cruise or international trip for 2013. This kinda depends on #3.
  18. Take a dance class. I am not graceful by any means. But dancing looks fun, especially tap.
  19. Learn to swim. Kris is a great swimmer. D is pretty darn good, too. B is on his way. Time for me to strap on the Speedo and learn to blow bubbles with the big kids.
  20. Redo D's room. Her room is cute now, but I think she wants it to be a little more grown up.
  21. Go somewhere nice for our 10th anniversary. I don't know where, maybe a weekend in Breckenridge would be good!
  22. Set up savings accounts for us and the kids. Nope, we don't have any savings. Shameful! I really want to take care of #3 so that the idea of saving doesn't stress me out.
  23. Grow plants and don't neglect/kill them. I am a notorious plant killer. But silk plants just don't do it for me... what a conundrum.
  24. Take a bath to relax once a week. Well, we're in the 12th week of the year and this hasn't happened yet. Probably because I'd need to clean my tub first, and that does NOT sound relaxing.
  25. Do yoga once or twice a week. Also hasn't happened, but should. I always feel awesome when I'm done!
  26. Take a spinning class. This sounds fun, but then I think about how bad my butt will hurt and how I won't be able to walk up or down stairs, and it doesn't sound fun anymore.
  27. Build something. Wow, this is vague. I wonder what I had in mind.
  28. Have family pictures taken with the Mooch. We haven't had pictures taken of the five of us, ever. Poor Mooch always gets left out (not that she loves having her picture taken). I just think it's really important to do  this and include her.
  29. Redecorate the kitchen and living room. Nothing big, just some new paint in the kitchen and maybe rearrange the living room.
  30. Create a nice outdoor space (our deck and side of the house). Our yard is essentially a blank canvas. We have a great deck, but I think we could make it a little comfier. And the side of the house could be a great play area for the kids, just needs some work.
  31. Buy a nice, long, dark pair of jeans. This is something I have problems with as a taller person. Most jeans that are average length are just a little too short to look "right." And I have problems with spending money on a pair of jeans that are a size I don't want to be in. I found a pretty great pair of dark Levi's trouser jeans at Marshalls for $20 AND they're a size smaller than I thought I'd need. Score!
  32. Sell something that I made. I don't know what that's going to be, exactly. Maybe a painting?
  33. Get a Lasik consult for 2013. I have worn glasses since I was 8. Started wearing contacts at 15. That is a lot of years of not being able to see well (or at all) without correction. I would love love LOVE to be able to wake up and see things without having to squint. And not mistake vacuum cleaners for goats (it happened once).
  34. See 140 on the scale again. Well, if I put the kids AND Mooch on the scale, it might add up to a number I could deal with. But the number I see when I get on it is NOT cool. I am convinced they left a lead weight in me when I had my c-section.
  35. Set up an IRA. I have no retirement savings plan. I have a very quickly dwindling amount in my Teamsters 401(k) that Prudential won't release and it hasn't been worth the time and frustration to get my $26 out. I wonder what happens when the balance hits zero. Will they send me a bill?
  36. BONUS: Have a psychic reading done. I like to think I'm psychic (a little bit). Maybe I'm just really good at predicting things based on people's behavior. But I'd sure like to see what Madame Zelda thinks is in my future!







Saturday, March 3, 2012

Did you know? 10 little known facts about our family and home

1. That silverware is sold in odd numbered sets- for example, you might get eight knives but only seven dinner forks, and six spoons. (This is my husband's "theory," as he refuses to confess to taking silverware to work and leaving it there for the spoon and fork thieves).

2. We don't need no stinkin' Kleenexes, we have sleeves. I taught the kids that trick. Mother of the year over here!

3. Potty seats make great hats! I'm not the only one whose kid thinks so: Hers, too.

4. Farts in public are perfectly acceptable if you have a charming way of excusing yourself. Somehow, though, this never works when I do it. (Of course I don't fart in public. I am just hypothesizing).

5. One should always inspect the toilet seat before using it, even in your own house. I ended up with poo on my rear today. And it wasn't even mine. Freaking disgusting. 

6. When you have been married for almost ten years, no subject is taboo. There are some that I wish were. If you hear me refer to " 'roid rage" I am not talking about steroids. I'm talking about another kind of 'roids. Enough.

7. If you can't see, you can't hear. I thought I was the only one with this problem, but I think it's hereditary. I was talking to D yesterday while I was driving and she said "Huh? I didn't hear you. I had my eyes covered."

8. Kids are better than The Club, Lo-Jack and any other theft deterrent device out there. I'm pretty sure if I left my kids in my car and it was stolen, it would be returned within minutes. Probably with an apology and an offer to pray for me.

9. If a man loads the dishwasher, all that fits is three coffee cups, five plates and a bowl. If a woman does it, five place settings plus an entire (-ish, see #1) set of silverware will fit.

10. I make shit up all the time. However, everything you see here is 100% FACT. Don't believe me? Come stay with me for a day or two. Just make sure you bring vodka. You're gonna need it.


Thursday, March 1, 2012

Can we skip Leap Day next year?

Don't get me wrong, my kids are pretty awesome. Except on Leap Day. It was like an even crazier version of a full moon.

I took the kids with me to Target yesterday afternoon for what was supposed to be a five minute trip to pick up three things. Key words: supposed to be.

I don't know exactly what happened, but I had one kid coughing all over the place, one dawdling across the parking lot refusing to hold hands, one touching her brother, one dancing a jig down the aisles and blocking cart traffic, and two who weren't listening AT ALL. No, I don't have six kids- these are two kids capable of all that action within five minutes at Target.

I'm trying to keep all this chaos corralled without looking like Mommie Dearest so we can get our three things and get the hizz-ell out of there. "Stop touching him. Stop dancing. Please stay on one side of the lane so these people can get through. I told you to stop touching him. Please cover your mouth when you cough. Please pass the vodka." And out of nowhere.... "Shelby????" Efff. Why have I not learned to fake a case of mistaken identity?

OF COURSE it's a woman I've known since kindergarten (the mother of one of my classmates) and her daughter. Of course this is the perfect time to run into someone I haven't seen in years, looking like a class act crazy pants ready to duct tape my kids together. She asks "How are you?" and I think to myself "Freaking fantastic, can't you tell? Where is the nearest mental asylum?" Instead, I go with the more socially acceptable "Gooood. Yep, I'm good. You?"

After a few minutes of chit chat, I resumed my sprint around the store and headed to the check out. Why does Target only open two lanes at that time of the afternoon? All the employees are hanging out in the electronics department while the two lines are ten people deep. Why is it that after you wait in line five minutes (which is an eternity in my version of time) and put your crap on the belt, THEN they open five lanes and everyone scatters like cockroaches. Why, Target, why??? And how much crack do you put in those red velvet sandwich cookies from the bakery? I digress.

In the end, we all survived Leap Day. There was some other craziness but apparently I've blocked it from my mind because I don't remember it. Early onset Alzheimers, anyone? I don't know why it made the juniors crazy and put me so on edge- it was just a wacky day all around and I'm glad it's over. Of course now that I'm putting it in writing I wonder what the big deal was... it was just another day, right? All I know is- I am going to work on this mistaken identity thing right away. "Who, me? Nope, but I get that all the time. I must look a lot like her. Have a nice day."

Linking up with Finding the Funny at My Life and Kids

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Currently...

love such ideas

via

1. Listening- to Pandora and trying to drown out the noisy wind
2. Eating- nothing right now. Lots of tater tots earlier.
3. Drinking- water. Exciting, I know.
4. Wearing- flannel jammie pants, the shirt I wore to run in and my Columbia fleece jacket. Oh, and Mooch.
5. Feeling- sleepy and happy tomorrow's the last day of my work week
6. Weather- effing windy!
7. Wanting- not much :)
8. Needing- think I'm good!
9. Thinking- trying not to, since it's after 5PM
10. Enjoying- the peace and quiet- no arguing kids, barking dog or dinging email. Thank goodness!
Nighty night!

Friday, February 3, 2012

A Snow Day in Pictures

Okay, first of all, please excuse the low-quality pictures from my Crackberry. B filled our camera's memory up with pictures of his nose and the dog's butt, and I haven't cleared it off yet. We got a little over a foot of snow here in the Denver area since last night, and it's been a lazy day around here!
Enough snow to lose a Mooch in!

D and her cardboard box Barbie house. This has entertained her for weeks!

B the belly-scratcher

Cozy Mooch

Snowy sky
Hope y'all are safe and warm where ever you might be!